I want to convey how beautiful this is and how grateful I am to you for sharing it with us, but I feel like my words would be about as effective as expressing appreciation for a mountain by throwing a handful of pebbles at it. I hope you continue to have good luck.
My exact thoughts before my eyes found your comment and triggered what I suspect will be only one of many 🩷 taps in agreement.
Mills is perhaps the one special voice anywhere on substack that should be read word for word and contemplated at half the half-speed at which he could seamlessly articulate any thought or notion that comes to his mind, but especially on the precious topic of family and exercising the underlying lingering pains wreathing in the wake of loss we all have to suffer as normal, hopefully salient to someone, human beings.
Exquisite and poignant, Mills. I was going to say this is one of the best things I've read on Substack, but the Substack part is redundant. Much kudos for this beautiful tribute to your dad and all the weirdness of what it is to be human.
Oh Mills this was so beautiful, thanks for sharing it. You say you want to write a portrait of him but can't but you did so here and you did write about him well. I love this "I rifle through these kinds of memories as though searching for something unspecified; I want to consult the archives; I want to know what I had, what I lost."
I didn’t know Roger well but sensed his intellect. I adored your mother’s no holds barred approach to life. I only knew her in her later years. This made me laugh and cry and imagine. All the things good writing does for a soul. My mother also died addicted to benzodiazepines. I never want to get over her death. She is very present for me in my life.
they were quite a pair, very different but nicely complementary in a way! I think about her every day, too; I’m lucky to have so many of their things in our house, little totems of them in every room.
Reading belatedly after just seeing your other post just published today. This is a really vivid tribute to your father and your relationship. Your phantom limb comment resonated. My parents died close together in 2021, and that’s rather how I feel about them both going missing from my life. Thanks for sharing this.
Mills, thank you so much for sharing this. Even though I never knew your dad, it made me miss him too? I think I’ll now always remember, “All children feel guilt when their parents die.”
He loved Jung! In honesty: I was trying to find a concise way to say “theories which reinterpret your experience away from primary attention and what emerges to you from facts towards larger impersonal and detail-obscuring conceptual frameworks and narratives,” because at some point I have to limit this nonsense! So I used “Freudianism” as shorthand for that. I like Freud lol!
I want to convey how beautiful this is and how grateful I am to you for sharing it with us, but I feel like my words would be about as effective as expressing appreciation for a mountain by throwing a handful of pebbles at it. I hope you continue to have good luck.
This is maybe the best thing I’ve read in a while, Mills. Thank you for sharing it.
My exact thoughts before my eyes found your comment and triggered what I suspect will be only one of many 🩷 taps in agreement.
Mills is perhaps the one special voice anywhere on substack that should be read word for word and contemplated at half the half-speed at which he could seamlessly articulate any thought or notion that comes to his mind, but especially on the precious topic of family and exercising the underlying lingering pains wreathing in the wake of loss we all have to suffer as normal, hopefully salient to someone, human beings.
Just sayin..
That's very kind; I hope it's useful to carry on about it as I like to, of course! I appreciate your assessment of it greatly.
Your resemblance to each other is uncanny. This is a beautifully written piece. This line in particular captivated me:
> ...he asked me to remember whenever I felt guilt that he didn’t want me to.
Thanks for sharing. It's beyond cool to be getting to know you more through your writing.
Beautiful.
“Ideally, I’d write a portrait of the man” -- it seems to me have in some part at least done that here to great effect.
That he was proud and amused by your luck, that you ordered each other’s worlds, that you shared imagined worlds of surreal streetlights...
I feel like I know you better, and that I know myself better, when I read this. ❤️
Exquisite and poignant, Mills. I was going to say this is one of the best things I've read on Substack, but the Substack part is redundant. Much kudos for this beautiful tribute to your dad and all the weirdness of what it is to be human.
Thank you man; I’m glad and relieved (was such a weird one to write)!
Damn, Mills. This is absolutely beautiful, man. Thank you 🥲
Oh Mills this was so beautiful, thanks for sharing it. You say you want to write a portrait of him but can't but you did so here and you did write about him well. I love this "I rifle through these kinds of memories as though searching for something unspecified; I want to consult the archives; I want to know what I had, what I lost."
Ahhhh thank you Christina; I appreciate the kind words!
I didn’t know Roger well but sensed his intellect. I adored your mother’s no holds barred approach to life. I only knew her in her later years. This made me laugh and cry and imagine. All the things good writing does for a soul. My mother also died addicted to benzodiazepines. I never want to get over her death. She is very present for me in my life.
they were quite a pair, very different but nicely complementary in a way! I think about her every day, too; I’m lucky to have so many of their things in our house, little totems of them in every room.
Your mom bought that big juju of the Flamingos from Garland’s show at NOAFA. It’s such a fun painting. I hope it found a good new spot. Keep writing!
It absolutely did! We kept all their art, and Alex asked for that one and has it in her house; we all loved it!
That makes us happy 💚 Garland is like you, one lucky guy.
Great writing Mills.
Thanks man! Think about hm daily.
Reading belatedly after just seeing your other post just published today. This is a really vivid tribute to your father and your relationship. Your phantom limb comment resonated. My parents died close together in 2021, and that’s rather how I feel about them both going missing from my life. Thanks for sharing this.
I saw a reference to this the other day and am so glad I took a screenshot so I would remember to hunt it down. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Mills, thank you so much for sharing this. Even though I never knew your dad, it made me miss him too? I think I’ll now always remember, “All children feel guilt when their parents die.”
What an incredible essay.
Thank you Lulu!!! I think he'd be glad if that helped anyone. Hope you're well! (I now see you in like many places online and it's excellent!).
Ah, Mills ....
He loved Jung! In honesty: I was trying to find a concise way to say “theories which reinterpret your experience away from primary attention and what emerges to you from facts towards larger impersonal and detail-obscuring conceptual frameworks and narratives,” because at some point I have to limit this nonsense! So I used “Freudianism” as shorthand for that. I like Freud lol!